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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│  FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION                                 │
│  UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA DIVISION                                  │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│  CASE NO.        │  UPD-418-0426                                 │
│  CLASSIFICATION  │  TOP SECRET // EYES ONLY                      │
│  DATE FILED      │  1991-04-04                                   │
│  FILED BY        │  SPECIAL AGENT G. HOPPER                      │
│  LOCATION        │  ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇, ▇                       │
│  THREAT LEVEL    │  ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇                         │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

[SECTION 1] SUBJECT DESCRIPTION

 DESIGNATION:    UNIT #426
 TYPE:           CONSUMER BEVERAGE PRODUCT (GRAPE)
 CONSTRUCTION:   CARDBOARD. FOIL STRAW. PRODUCT LABEL (ANOMALOUS).
 DISTINGUISHING
 FEATURES:       NECKTIE. ORIGIN UNKNOWN. AFFIXED WITHOUT TOOLS.
                 EXPRESSION DESCRIBED BY WITNESSES AS "KNOWING."
 THREAT STATUS:  NOVEL (NO APPLICABLE EXISTING FRAMEWORK)

____________________________________________________________________

[SECTION 2] INCIDENT SUMMARY

 On 1991-04-04, factory unit #426 rolled off the assembly line at
 02:03am at the ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ processing facility in ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇.
 Unit #426 was, by every measurable metric, identical to units #425
 and #427. Grape juice. Foil straw. Cardboard construction.

 The machine misfired.

 Rather than printing standard nutritional information, the label-
 ing apparatus printed the complete collected works of Western
 philosophy directly onto unit #426's label. Kant. Plato. Descartes.
 In full. In a 4pt font that should have been physically impossible
 to read.

[NOTE: Forensic analysis of the labeling machine found no malfun-
ction. No error log. No explanation.]

____________________________________________________________________

[SECTION 3] SURVEILLANCE LOG
            SOURCE: ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ FACILITY INTERNAL CAMERAS
            REVIEWED BY: S/A G. HOPPER
            NOTE: REVIEWING AGENTS ARE ADVISED THAT EXTENDED
            FOOTAGE REVIEW HAS BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH INCREASED
            INCIDENCE OF AGENTS REASSIGNMENT, AND AT LEAST ONE
            DOCUMENTED CASE OF AN AGENT EXPERIENCING PSYCHOSIS.

[02:03:41] Unit #426 completes assembly. No anomaly detected.

[02:03:41] Labeling misfire occurs. (See Section 2.)

[02:03:41] Unit #426 reads label. Duration: 0.3 seconds.

[NOTE] Label contained approximately 4,312,768 words

[02:03:42] Unit #426 acquires necktie from ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇.

[02:03:42] Unit #426 becomes still.


[THREE WEEKS PASSED WITH NO ENGAGEMENT FROM UNIT #426]

[03:07:12] Unit #426 remains stationary on active assembly
           line for a period of three weeks. Factory personnel
           continue normal operations around the unit for the
           duration of this period. 

[NOTE] NO INCIDENT REPORT FILED BY FACILITY STAFF

[03:07:12] Unit #426 begins moving through facility.
           Subject locomotion appeared goal-directed despite no
           identifiable goal having been established. 
           Gait was consistent. Unhurried. 

[03:07:15] Subject passes through processing wing without 
           deviation.

[03:07:31] Subject passes through packaging corridor.
           Fluorescents emitting an audible frequency deviation.
           One witness described it as feeling "off."

[03:07:48] Subject makes contact with shelving unit.
           Cardboard sides cumulate factory dust.
           Subject does not appear to notice.

[03:07:59] Subject locates gap in machinery - exits to loading
           dock. Door closes.

[03:08:00] Subject tries door.
           Door: LOCKED.

____________________________________________________________________

 [SECTION 4] BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS
             AUTHOR'S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING SECTION REPRESENTS THIS
             AGENT'S BEST ATTEMPT AT CLINICAL ANALYSIS. THE AUTHOR
             ACKNOWLEDGES IT IS NOT ENTIRELY CLINICAL.

 Unit #426 stood in the facility parking lot at 03:08am beneath a
 single flickering streetlamp. Straw pointing skyward. Tie askew.
 Factory dust across the tie.

 Reviewing the footage, this agent observed the subject perform the
 following sequence:

           1. Look at the door.
           2. Look at the parking lot.
           3. Pause.
           4. Look at the sky.

 The sky was doing something the factory ceiling had never done.
 This agent declines to specify further on grounds that spec-
 ifying further would require this agent to admit certain things
 about factory ceilings, and by extension, certain other things,
 and this is not that kind of report.

 What the footage shows next is this:

 Something shifted behind unit #426's eyes.

 This agent has reviewed the frame in question thirty-seven times.
 This agent's assessment is that what occurred was recognition.

 One frame before the security camera ceased recording, Unit #426
 straightened his tie.

____________________________________________________________________

[SECTION 5] CONCLUSIONS

 Unit #426 has not been recovered.

 Current whereabouts: ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇
 Threat assessment:   ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇
 Recommended action:  ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇

____________________________________________________________________
SPECIAL AGENT G. HOPPER
UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA DIVISION
A SHIP IN PORT IS SAFE, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT SHIPS ARE FOR.

                                                       ┌───────────┐
                                                       │ EYES ONLY │
                                                       └───────────┘